10,000 B.C.
Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 1 hour, 49 minutes
Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Starring:
Steven Strait - D'Leh
Camilla Belle - Evolet
Cliff Curtis - Tic'Tic
Joel Virgel - Nakudu
Affif Ben Barda - Warlord
Mo Zinal - Ka'Ren
Nathanael Baring - Baku
I'm not sure why they called this movie "10,000 B.C.," Such a title implies a historical tale when clearly this story is trying to be a myth. The most boring, uninspired myth ever told, but a myth nonetheless. Because the film is so lazy, thoughtless, and shoddy, it's just plain bad, only barely touching moments of "so-bad-it's-good".
With the narration of an Anthony Hopkins sound-a-like, we're told the story of D'Leh (who could just as easily be called "The Hero"), the chosen warrior who goes to rescue his true love Evolet (who could just as easily be called "The Damsel") after she and the other villagers are kidnapped to be used as slaves in the Big City. A better title than "10,000 B.C.," would just be "Archetype: The Movie". Of course, the awfulness doesn't stop there. No, that's just where it begins.
The most memorable parts of the film are where it becomes laughably bad. Evolet does nothing but stare dumbly throughout the whole film, drawing even more attention to the fact that her people didn't discover agriculture, but did discover mascara. When traveling to new lands, D'leh meets up with the leader of a tribe who not only speaks the Queen's English, but also Gutteral, the language of every single other tribe on the planet. And then there are velocirap—I mean giant ostriches. People are attacked by giant ostriches in a scene that just happens to be shot exactly like one of the velociraptor attacks from Jurassic Park.
Yes, you can MST3K this film but why should you put in more energy than the filmmakers? And they haven't made it easy since the film is repetitive, predictable, and awkwardly shifts between a fun adventure film and a serious epic. It's neither. It's just bad.
Words by
Matt Goldberg
3.6.08