Mr. 3000
Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 1 hour, 44 minutes
Directed by: Charles Stone III
Starring:
Bernie Mac - Stan
Angela Bassett - Mo
Michael Rispoli - Boca
Brian J. White - T-Rex
Paul Sorvino - Gus Panas
Chris Noth - Schiembri
The sports film is probably the easiest genre there is. It’s the kind of film you give to directors you have almost zero-faith in; the films you give to directors you hired because they were someone’s cousin. They’re the easiest and most formulaic kind of film out there. And I love sports films because they tend to be very comfortable and I know that I’m probably guaranteed a few laughs and a good-hearted time at the movies.
So if you mess up a sports film, it’s time to return that DGA card and perhaps try producing or running a studio. Look for director Charles Stone III to be running one of the Big Five soon because Mr. 3000 has to be one of the worst sports films I’ve seen in quite some time.
The story follows Stan Ross, a self-centered baseball player who desperately wants to get into the hall of fame because during his baseball career, he had 3000 hits and after the 3000th hit, he quit baseball and retired to a cushy lifestyle. Well as it turns out, three of his hits didn’t count because of a clerical error in the records and now a 47-year-old Ross has to come out of retirement because he wants to be in the hall of fame so badly.
Okay, so the stage is set for Ross to learn a lesson, have some laughs because he’s so out of shape and to interact with quirky teammates. The only problem is that he only learns his lesson because he gets sad about people disliking him (not because he feels guilt about hurting other people), he gets back in shape through the beauty of montage, and the quirkiest teammates he has are two guys that are always betting on stuff for some reason. This is an underhanded pitch and somehow the writers and director still managed to strike out (it’s a review of a baseball movie and I’m weak-willed; sue me).
Thank God for Bernie Mac. Mac has repeatedly proved himself as a source of vitality and energy and that strength has never been more necessary than in a weak vehicle like this. It’s just a shame that this film doesn’t know how to use him. Mac, being a comedian, has excellent comic timing and delivery but the film is too busy coming up with weak goals for the characters to achieve. When I say “weak goals” I mean that the big goal of the team is to finish in 3rd place. Yep, that sure is uplifting. Granted, it’s set up that way so that Ross has a deadline with getting his three hits, but there’s no reason the team couldn’t have gone all the way to the World Series and Ross still be struggling to get that last hit [Enter baseball fan to tell me that hits made during the playoffs don't count].
Ross’ last hit is also one of the few things the film gets right. I won’t spoil how they do it (although I should because there’s really not much reason to see this film) but it does redeem the film somewhat in terms of message. It’s just a shame that the other 90 minutes are so poorly done.
If you want to go out and see a new film about an aging sports star with one last shot at glory, check out Wimbledon instead. It’s a superior film in just about every conceivable way. If you’re looking for someone to run Disney, talk to Charles Stone III. He can’t do a much worse job than what he did here.
Words by
Matt Goldberg
9.30.04