5. Hannibal Rising

How did Thomas Harris, the author of the Hannibal Lector series, so badly misunderstand his own character when he adapted Hannibal Rising from his own book?

Lector's cannibalism is what makes him sensational. It's his brilliant understanding of human psychology that makes him terrifying. Instead we learn why Hannibal likes to eat people and that his iconic mask (which was only used as a precautionary measure in Silence of the Lambs when he was being transferred) bears a striking similarity to a samurai's face-guard. You know, because Hannibal Lector was always about the Way of the Samurai.

4. The Invasion

What's funnier in this film? The head of the CDC slicing his hand open on a piece of an asteroid covered with organic-alien junk? Pod-people puking into coffee? Nicole Kidman drop-kicking a small, Asian child? Oh, take your pick and suggest your own! The film adds nothing to a series which has been great before and shoehorns in tired observations about how we have to accept the evils of humanity. The Invasion is great actors, solid directors, and nothing but failure.

3. Mr. Brooks

Not that this film had loads of potential, but it is a spectacular way to botch a story of a family-man/serial-killer. Instead it's a horribly scatter-short tale of a guy with a massive kiln (He likes pottery! What's suspicious about that?) hiding his deep dark secret from his family, talking with his imaginary friend, dealing with the irritation that is Dane Cook, and easily avoiding Demi Moore who plays the world's worst detective. The moment I should have walked out was when director Bruce A. Evans decided to have a techno-rave-shootout in an abandoned hallway between Moore and some guy who is totally unrelated to Mr. Brooks. Unfortunately, I was laughing so hard I couldn't stand up.

2. Across the Universe

This film is a crime against The Beatles and that's basically a crime against humanity. Someone call Amnesty International. I like The Beatles too, but if I were going to make a musical using their songs, I wouldn't think I could coast on making sure the lyrics fit into a greatest hits album of a plot and I could dress it up with a few nice set pieces every now and then. Maybe they could have done a rough draft with The Monkees before royally fucking over the greatest band of all time.

1. Lions for Lambs

If you want to talk about the most insulting film of the year, there can be no bigger deliverance of pure disdain than Lions for Lambs. To paraphrase Lewis Black, "I wish Robert Redford had just come in my mouth." Only if you've completely ignored the news, think that discussion without principle is worthwhile, and that contributing to noise rather than trying to sort it out is a noble goal, then you're as dumb as this film thinks you are. This is a civics lesson that's about as timely and obvious as telling us that segregation is bad and we should oppose the war in Vietnam. Mr. Redford, thank you for providing the crucial piece of evidence of why people think the political opinions of those in Hollywood are worthless. Way to bone it for everyone.